Sunday, 16 September 2012

Hardcore Games review

I'm a huge RPG nerd ('role playing game' for noobs) Anything that involves swords and magic and monsters Is right up my street. Below are the 4 (technically 6) best RPGs I've ever played. (prenote; Alpha Protocol made by SEGA is THE BEST non fantasy based RPG ever made, I may do a full blog on it alone.)

Vagrant Story

Vagrant Story developed by Japanese company Squaresoft, holds a very special place in my heart. It was the first RPG I'd ever played, It's also remains one of my top 5 games Ever.

Made in 2000 it is very outdated now, the graphics are extremely old, but the gameplay is still on par with anything out today. The combat system was, to be honest A BAPTISM OF FIRE, THAT GRABBED BEGINNER AND HARDCORE GAMER ALIKE, CHEWED THEM UP AND THEN SPAT THEM BACK OUT INTO A BLOODY, VISCERAL, HEAP OF OMFG WTF!!?!

By this I mean, it was very complex, and took a while to get your head round, but once you did, oooh boy did this game start getting good.
You are an agent that is hunting down some ass hole,(that you spend about 2 hours trying to figure out if its a girl or bloke) through a enormous linear story/map facing a whole host of bad guys, creatures, Bosses and I must say fucking terrifying puppet things that swing huge-ass-dock-off cleavers. 

Only a real man will Fight a Dragon, wearing a vest a Chaps.

 I love it that much, I would nail my left nut to the devils alter if it meant this game got an upto date sequel made.

The Elder Scrolls series.


Back in 1994 Bethesda produced the first in a long line of amazing games. Starting with Arena, Daggerfall, Battlespire and Redguard; but it wasn't until 2002 that they made my all time favorite game...

The ElderScrolls III: Morrowind

Morrowind and it's expansion packs, Blood Moon and Tribunal are amazing. Absolutely enormous open worlds full of awesomeness. They are just Awesomely Awesome Awesomeness.

Your Character, a prisoner sent by ship to the isle of Vvardenfell goes through a quick profile creation; You are then left to decide how you want to play. The choice is as endless as the game itself. I've had this game 8 fucking years, and I still haven't completed it. SERIOUSLY 8 FUCKING YEARS, HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF GAMEPLAY, AND I STILL HAVEN'T GOT ANYWHERE NEAR DOING EVERYTHING! The main story involves you fulfilling a prophesy and kicking the shit out of some asshole called Dagoth Ur thats been acting like a proper wanker sending ash clouds down from the volcano called Red Mountain; which has been upsetting all the locals, what with their families getting turned into bloated rotting monsters and what. But to save time I'm gonna cut out the bullshit and just slam together in one paragraph some of the other things you can do...

Ride huge flea things like a bus, sail to different ports, shop all day everyday, join guilds, rise through the ranks of guilds, customise your character, outfitting, weaponry, skills. Do missions for Religious orders, Local Policing, The Army, Local Merchants, Local guilds, Assassin's guilds, Fighters Guilds, Mages Guilds, Bounty contracts, mercenary contracts, body guard work, trading, couriering, treasure hunting, exploring, collecting alchemy ingredients, make potions, make spells, build a house, build a strong hold, build a village, climb mountains, turn into a vampire, turn into a werewolf, turn invisible, use hundreds of different armor, weapons, spells, swim, run, jump, teleport, climb mountains, fly, levitate, kill people, kill elves, kill orcs, kill lizard men, kill cat men, kill daemons, kill monsters, kill animals, kill anything that moves, loot bodies for booty, loot chests, loot houses, loot dungeons, loot caves, loot pretty much everything, steal, barter, buy, sell, talk to people, read hundreds of books and scrolls, and amongst soooo much more, you can spend far to much time playing the game, and neglect your own health...

The Graphics maybe a touch old, but an Ebony War Axe being hacked into the face of a Daedra is still an Ebony War Axe being hacked into the face of a Daedra.

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Oblivion and it's expansion packs Knights of the Nine and Shivering Isles. Well, what can be said about them... I could throw around phrases like "FUCKING YES", and "OH FUCKING HELL YEAH", and "HOLY FUCKING FUCKEROO", but I think I'll just stick with plain old "Fuck me what a game."

Your Character, a prisoner in the Imperial dungeons of Cyrodiil goes through a quick profile creation; You are then left to decide how you want to play. It's not quite as massive in terms of shit to do as Morrowind is, but hay, you can still do atleast 75% of all that cool shit, and the graphics even though 6 years old, still beat down a lot of brand spankin' new games.

Basically, Patrick Stewart tells you that you are a stone cold badass who must fulfill a prophecy, then you go on to meet Sean Bean (my hero) Then you go into a different dimension and TOTALLY FUCK UP EVERYTHING THAT MOVES! then you come back to your dimension and continue to TOTALLY FUCK UP EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!

Here's a fun fact; I have an addictive personality, I binge on things, RPGs being one of them. When I was 16 for a whole week, and I literally mean for 604800 seconds I was utterly and completely hooked on this game, I didn't bathe, I hardly slept, I neglected all social activities, I only used the toilet during loading screens, and I am not telling one world of a lie, I would ONLY eat and drink what my character was able to eat and drink in the game... Let me tell you another fun fact, I totally lost my shit with my mum; She asked what I wanted from Tescos for Tea (dinner if your American) I replied, a flagons worth of Ale, some grapes, a loaf of bread and a joint of boar meat.

I was that involved in the game, I asked for boar meat...
I then proceeded to scream and shout like that snotty little girl from Charlie and the chocolate factory who wanted a golden egg laying goose at my mum for not buying me boar meat. My mum, bless her went back out to Sainsburys, ASDA and ever a butchers to try and find me some fucking boar meat. I went hungry that night. A day later I lent Oblivion to a friend and got sober.

Like that helmet? Well go over there, totally fuck him up and loot it off him.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Skyrim, and it's expansion packs Dawnguard and Hearthfire have easily been the most anticipated game since 2006 (When Oblivion was released, duh). This game takes rocking fantasy balls off to a new level (-ing up system. haha that was a TES joke for nerds like me).

Your Character, a prisoner being transported by cart to a fort in Skyrim goes through a quick prof- Hang on, I've noticed a repeating pattern here... Characters creation, Prophecy, big bad guy, beat him, do loads of other cool shit along the way, totally fuck up things... yeah, It's basically the same as the last 2, but meh, the story is ace, the graphics are beautiful, and the gameplay is FUCKING PHENOMINOMINAL and to top it all, Dragons... FUCKING DRAGONS.

"Oh shit, it's a fucking dragon!"

The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings

Developed by CD Projekt RED; I bought this game yesterday... and holy shit nuggets, it's already one of my top 5 ever games. 

The story is slowly unfolding, but I'm only a few hours in, you basically get sucked into this conspiracy involving regicide, where you are to clear your name and restore order before the entire land erupts into violent civil war... all the usual Questing Hero shit. Like all my favorite RPGs you level up and unlock abilities, barter with merchants, do quests 'n all that, use spells, and can use a variety of sweet ass weapons and outfits to dish out delicious death to ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

The voice acting in this is excellent, mostly UK West country bumpkins, and the occasional bearable Yank voice actor, but what makes me love this game is the sheer beauty. The graphics are unbelievably good.

My character, in game graphics, just before I knock the other guys teeth out as if he was Liam Gallagher in a Munich nightclub brawl.

If you do anything tonight, go on youtube and watch the Opening cutscene. Every time I load the game, I physically have to watch it.

Mount and Blade

Independently made by Taleworlds, which is basically a guy and his wife.

Sure the graphics are a bit poor compared to literally ever game made post 2002, sure it has absolutely no story line what so ever, sure the few missions in the game a repetitive and unimaginative BUT...

That's me, on horseback, shooting a bow... from horseback.

Several extremely expensive games, years in the making, with an enormous working staff have tried to do this; Two Worlds, Two Worlds 2, and Oblivion, and Skyrim; and you know what? A Turkish guy and his Wife served them. 
Seriously, If it was a Street dance film, all the big boy games would be like a totally dope group of black people that seriously know how to bust out moves, and talk all cool, and wear cool clothes, and everyone loves them because they are such a cool dancing group. Mount and Blade would be a 5 yearold white kid, in a wheelchair, with brittlebone syndrome... and he'd show them how it's fucking done.

Who needs a story/plot/purpose when you can command your own personal army, shoot people with a bow whilst galloping full speed Genghis Kahn style, seige castles, rule a village, castle, town even a country and most importantly ride a fucking war horse straight into a army of enemies lance first, impaling a dude, then whipping out a bastard sword and charging around cutting bitches up like you were Nigella Lawson on amphetamines in front of a bowl of cucumbers.

(attention, rip off quote) Now you know what the best Fantasy RPGs are...

"You should rest, and Meditate on what you've learned"


  1. you should play Xenogears, Final fantasy 1-10, Demon's souls, Wild arms, Disgaea (infinately longer than Morrowind), the "tales of" series, and the best RPG of them all: Pokemon.

    no beard

  2. Pokemon is awesome, Crystal and Gold were the only games I ever played on my GBA. I kept this games review western as I don't have good access to JRPGs. But I will certainly check your suggestions out.

    Your beard doesn't make up for your hairless chest.